Tired of receiving calls from telemarketers selling products you don't need? Of course you are. Who wouldn't be? So print this list, stick it up next to your telephone, and use it the next time some moron calls you.
Disclaimer: I did not come up with this entire list by myself, I got a few of the lines from the internet.
1. "I THOUGHT I TOLD YOU PEOPLE TO NEVER CALL ME!"
2. "Ahoy sailor!"
3. "This better be good, I'm in the middle of a boss fight."
4. "Road-kill cafe: You kill em, we grill em."
5. "City Morgue: You snuff em, we stuff em."
6. "City Morgue: You kill em, we chill em."
7. "Vampire Crematorium: You stake em, we bake em."
8. "I'm trying to defuse a bomb, WHAT DO YOU WANT?!"
9. "Suicide hotline. Please hold and an operator will be with you momentarily."
10. "Hey sexypants. Can you stop calling me at this number? My wife/husband's getting suspicious."
11. "Hello, please leave your full name, address, credit card number, social security number, and bank account number after the beep."
12. "Hello, the person you are trying to reach has died. He is currently being cremated. Please press 4 to transfer your call to Hell."
13. "Hello, psychiatric hotline. How may I help you?"
14. Perverted voice: "Hello. I've been waiting for you."
15. "Hi, I'd like to order an extra large pepperonni pizza with extra mushrooms and..."
16. "Hello, welcome to Bob's limited time offer deals. Can I interest you in a 42 inch LCD TV?"
17. "R.I.P. Military Headquarters. Permission to speak has been granted."
18. "I'm sorry. The person you are trying to call is dead. To speak to the household pet, press 1. To speak to the lawyer, press 2. To speak to the funeral director, press 3."
19. "Congratulations! You have won a free trip to Waverly Hill Asylum. Please press 3 to claim your prize, or press End to reject the call."
20. "Please visit lamecomics.weebly.com That's l-a-m-e-c-o-m-i-c-s.-w-e-e-b-l-y-.com."
21. "Thank you for wasting my phone bill. Now, how may I be of assistance?"
22. "Hello, you have reached P.A.T. Would you mind completing our questionnaire? Don't worry, it's only 203 questions and shouldn't take more than 4.5 hours."
23. "Welcome to McDonald's. May I take your order?"
24. "Center of the Universe. This is God speaking. What do you want?"
25. "Ghostbusters. What is your emergency?"
26. "Hello?....Holy crap! Bob, is it really you? HOW ARE YOU?!!! I thought you died!"
27. "Hey Timothy. How'd that bank robbery go last night?.......Oops, let's pretend we never had
this conversation heh heh..."
28. "Don't worry! I SAID I'LL TAKE CARE OF EVERYTHING!" *end call*
29. "Hang on, I'm doing something REALLY important. Please hold." (Just leave the phone until they hang up.)
30. "Heeeey, Mom...I-I sw-swear to drunk I'm n-not god..."
31. "Your PC is about to crash." (Some people will actually go check their computers. Morons.)
32. "Hello?..Oh my god! A female! Will you marry me?!!"
33. "Hello, this is Rogers television. Have we got a deal for you! Would you like to buy our special monthly family pack? Over 200 channels for just $269/month!"
34. "Hold on a minute! I'm not done burying the body yet! Just let me finish before the cops come and I'll get back to you! Geez, people these days."
35. "Where are you calling from? The other side of the planet?! It's 4 a.m. here."
36. "Hello, CIA headquarters. Please hold while we trace your call."
37. "This is Madame Granias. Would you like your fortune read?"
38. "Hey, wanna hear a cool noise?" (hang up)
39. "Hey Joe. So did you get the money or not?! Well, you better deliver it to the red lobster by midnight! You know what the mob does to people who are tardy...You saw what happened to Timothy."
40. If they are talking in English, say "I don't speak Italian, sorry."
41. Ask them "Can you speak Chinese?". If they say yes, start asking them to translate weird stuff for you. If they say no, say "Useless mortals these days..." (hang up)
42. "I'm blind. Can you repeat that?"
43. "Hi. Thank you for calling J.A.T. Justice Against Telemarketers. Please leave your name, address,
social security number, and we'll get back to you. Together, we can destroy those telemarketers."
44. "Welcome to Bob's Ice Cream Parlour, the home of 57 flavours. If you can name 57 flavours in 57 seconds, you will win a lifetime supply of free ice cream. Start now."
45. "The person you're looking for is in the bathroom taking a dump. Might take some time....I saw him/her take a laptop in there."
46. ".....You have 7 days." *hang up*
47. When the telemarketer is in the middle of advertising a product, turn up some music. Then yell out "Sorry, I can't hear you!" Turn the music up louder.
48. "How'd you get this number?! How do you know my name?! You're not Bob, are
you?! You're not one of them, are you?!! They sent you for me, didn't they?! DIDN'T THEY?! Who else knows about this number?!!"
49. "I'm sorry. The person you're looking for was recently eaten by a whale." (Burst into tears)
50. "Joe? Is that you? We have to get rid of the body fast. Did you find the chainsaw or
not?"
51. "Stop kidding around Joe. I know it's you. Pay attention, this is important."
52. "Bob's Sperm Bank. You make it, we pack it! This is Samantha, how may I help you?"
53. "Ron's whore house. Ron's not here, this is the whore. How may I help you?"
54. Repeat everything they say. When they ask, say you are training to become a telemarketer.
55. *Sexy voice* "Ok. I'd love to listen to you. But just so you know, I'm not wearing any clothes."
56. "Do you know how to get out goat blood from a carpet? How about human blood?"
57. "Do you know how many men it takes to change a roll of toilet paper?!! I wouldn't know! It's never happened!" (hang up)
58. "Sure I'll listen to you speak. But just so you know, I'm naked."
59. "Oh hey, Grandpa! How's the meds working?"
60. "Did you not enjoy our date last night? I've been waiting for HOURS for you to call!"
61. "......lamecomics.weebly.com"
62. "Hang on a moment!" (put a loud car chase scene on the TV.)
63. "Thank god you called! This is REALLY important. It's a life or death situation! To diffuse a bomb, which wire do you cut?"
64. "Can you call me back? I need to speak with my parole officer first."
65. "I'm under house arrest. I'm not supposed to speak to anyone."
66. "Hey, are you a travelling agency? Great! I'm a pothead. I need a ticket to Columbia. You know how to get in touch with drug lords?"
67. "I'd love to buy a ticket to ____, but I just bought a private jet."
68. "Can I get a ticket to the North Pole then? I want to see Santa's workshop."
69. "Travel my ass! I'm broke and I can't even afford a tuna sandwich!"
70. "You're selling insurance? Insurance?! I didn't know you needed insurance for a cardboard box."
71. "No thanks. It's almost time for my execution day. I won't be needing any insurance."
72. "I could sure use some insurance. I have 14 death threats against me!"
73. "Sure, both my arms and legs are insured. How about insurance for my butt too?"
74. "Thank god. I just maxed out my other 14 cards and still need a kidney.
75. "Sure, my dog's already got a credit card. I'll get my fish one too."
76. "I don't have any friends..." *sob* "I won't be needing your phone plans." *sob* "I've got no one to call."
77. "A new phone plan? Anything further than Neptune gets a little fuzzy. Can you do better?"
78. "I'm not supposed to phone anyone. It's against my religion."
79. "Sorry. I'm under house arrest. I'm not supposed to contact anyone....I murdered a telemarketer."
80. "Buy your products?! Does it look like I can afford to afford?"
Disclaimer: I did not come up with this entire list by myself, I got a few of the lines from the internet.
1. "I THOUGHT I TOLD YOU PEOPLE TO NEVER CALL ME!"
2. "Ahoy sailor!"
3. "This better be good, I'm in the middle of a boss fight."
4. "Road-kill cafe: You kill em, we grill em."
5. "City Morgue: You snuff em, we stuff em."
6. "City Morgue: You kill em, we chill em."
7. "Vampire Crematorium: You stake em, we bake em."
8. "I'm trying to defuse a bomb, WHAT DO YOU WANT?!"
9. "Suicide hotline. Please hold and an operator will be with you momentarily."
10. "Hey sexypants. Can you stop calling me at this number? My wife/husband's getting suspicious."
11. "Hello, please leave your full name, address, credit card number, social security number, and bank account number after the beep."
12. "Hello, the person you are trying to reach has died. He is currently being cremated. Please press 4 to transfer your call to Hell."
13. "Hello, psychiatric hotline. How may I help you?"
14. Perverted voice: "Hello. I've been waiting for you."
15. "Hi, I'd like to order an extra large pepperonni pizza with extra mushrooms and..."
16. "Hello, welcome to Bob's limited time offer deals. Can I interest you in a 42 inch LCD TV?"
17. "R.I.P. Military Headquarters. Permission to speak has been granted."
18. "I'm sorry. The person you are trying to call is dead. To speak to the household pet, press 1. To speak to the lawyer, press 2. To speak to the funeral director, press 3."
19. "Congratulations! You have won a free trip to Waverly Hill Asylum. Please press 3 to claim your prize, or press End to reject the call."
20. "Please visit lamecomics.weebly.com That's l-a-m-e-c-o-m-i-c-s.-w-e-e-b-l-y-.com."
21. "Thank you for wasting my phone bill. Now, how may I be of assistance?"
22. "Hello, you have reached P.A.T. Would you mind completing our questionnaire? Don't worry, it's only 203 questions and shouldn't take more than 4.5 hours."
23. "Welcome to McDonald's. May I take your order?"
24. "Center of the Universe. This is God speaking. What do you want?"
25. "Ghostbusters. What is your emergency?"
26. "Hello?....Holy crap! Bob, is it really you? HOW ARE YOU?!!! I thought you died!"
27. "Hey Timothy. How'd that bank robbery go last night?.......Oops, let's pretend we never had
this conversation heh heh..."
28. "Don't worry! I SAID I'LL TAKE CARE OF EVERYTHING!" *end call*
29. "Hang on, I'm doing something REALLY important. Please hold." (Just leave the phone until they hang up.)
30. "Heeeey, Mom...I-I sw-swear to drunk I'm n-not god..."
31. "Your PC is about to crash." (Some people will actually go check their computers. Morons.)
32. "Hello?..Oh my god! A female! Will you marry me?!!"
33. "Hello, this is Rogers television. Have we got a deal for you! Would you like to buy our special monthly family pack? Over 200 channels for just $269/month!"
34. "Hold on a minute! I'm not done burying the body yet! Just let me finish before the cops come and I'll get back to you! Geez, people these days."
35. "Where are you calling from? The other side of the planet?! It's 4 a.m. here."
36. "Hello, CIA headquarters. Please hold while we trace your call."
37. "This is Madame Granias. Would you like your fortune read?"
38. "Hey, wanna hear a cool noise?" (hang up)
39. "Hey Joe. So did you get the money or not?! Well, you better deliver it to the red lobster by midnight! You know what the mob does to people who are tardy...You saw what happened to Timothy."
40. If they are talking in English, say "I don't speak Italian, sorry."
41. Ask them "Can you speak Chinese?". If they say yes, start asking them to translate weird stuff for you. If they say no, say "Useless mortals these days..." (hang up)
42. "I'm blind. Can you repeat that?"
43. "Hi. Thank you for calling J.A.T. Justice Against Telemarketers. Please leave your name, address,
social security number, and we'll get back to you. Together, we can destroy those telemarketers."
44. "Welcome to Bob's Ice Cream Parlour, the home of 57 flavours. If you can name 57 flavours in 57 seconds, you will win a lifetime supply of free ice cream. Start now."
45. "The person you're looking for is in the bathroom taking a dump. Might take some time....I saw him/her take a laptop in there."
46. ".....You have 7 days." *hang up*
47. When the telemarketer is in the middle of advertising a product, turn up some music. Then yell out "Sorry, I can't hear you!" Turn the music up louder.
48. "How'd you get this number?! How do you know my name?! You're not Bob, are
you?! You're not one of them, are you?!! They sent you for me, didn't they?! DIDN'T THEY?! Who else knows about this number?!!"
49. "I'm sorry. The person you're looking for was recently eaten by a whale." (Burst into tears)
50. "Joe? Is that you? We have to get rid of the body fast. Did you find the chainsaw or
not?"
51. "Stop kidding around Joe. I know it's you. Pay attention, this is important."
52. "Bob's Sperm Bank. You make it, we pack it! This is Samantha, how may I help you?"
53. "Ron's whore house. Ron's not here, this is the whore. How may I help you?"
54. Repeat everything they say. When they ask, say you are training to become a telemarketer.
55. *Sexy voice* "Ok. I'd love to listen to you. But just so you know, I'm not wearing any clothes."
56. "Do you know how to get out goat blood from a carpet? How about human blood?"
57. "Do you know how many men it takes to change a roll of toilet paper?!! I wouldn't know! It's never happened!" (hang up)
58. "Sure I'll listen to you speak. But just so you know, I'm naked."
59. "Oh hey, Grandpa! How's the meds working?"
60. "Did you not enjoy our date last night? I've been waiting for HOURS for you to call!"
61. "......lamecomics.weebly.com"
62. "Hang on a moment!" (put a loud car chase scene on the TV.)
63. "Thank god you called! This is REALLY important. It's a life or death situation! To diffuse a bomb, which wire do you cut?"
64. "Can you call me back? I need to speak with my parole officer first."
65. "I'm under house arrest. I'm not supposed to speak to anyone."
66. "Hey, are you a travelling agency? Great! I'm a pothead. I need a ticket to Columbia. You know how to get in touch with drug lords?"
67. "I'd love to buy a ticket to ____, but I just bought a private jet."
68. "Can I get a ticket to the North Pole then? I want to see Santa's workshop."
69. "Travel my ass! I'm broke and I can't even afford a tuna sandwich!"
70. "You're selling insurance? Insurance?! I didn't know you needed insurance for a cardboard box."
71. "No thanks. It's almost time for my execution day. I won't be needing any insurance."
72. "I could sure use some insurance. I have 14 death threats against me!"
73. "Sure, both my arms and legs are insured. How about insurance for my butt too?"
74. "Thank god. I just maxed out my other 14 cards and still need a kidney.
75. "Sure, my dog's already got a credit card. I'll get my fish one too."
76. "I don't have any friends..." *sob* "I won't be needing your phone plans." *sob* "I've got no one to call."
77. "A new phone plan? Anything further than Neptune gets a little fuzzy. Can you do better?"
78. "I'm not supposed to phone anyone. It's against my religion."
79. "Sorry. I'm under house arrest. I'm not supposed to contact anyone....I murdered a telemarketer."
80. "Buy your products?! Does it look like I can afford to afford?"
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